Should Parents Spank Their Children?

I feel a mild amount of spanking that is not intended to inflict harm but rather to caution a child is fine. Not that anyone should want to do it. It's just that, we've been using it for ages and it worked. It just seems ludicrous that someone has to come along to tell us that spanking is wrong.

I've seen the flip side of not spanking kids. One is, badly behaved children, with no respect for authority, and two, very unpopular parents.

My $0.02

O

I think it depends upon the child. Growing up, both my brother and I knew that if we misbehaved and continued to misbehave after being told we were misbehaving, we would be spanked. My brother rarely needed more than one comment from either parent that he was misbehaving.

I, on the other hand, always pushed to see just how far the boundary would go. I typically got three warnings, and then a spanking. I do not remember the spankings as ever hurting me physically, but boy, I remember the shame of doing something to warrant a spanking. I also remember thinking that I did deserve it because I chose to misbehave.

Spankings rarely occurred in our home, and I don't remember getting spanked because my parents were angry with me. The rules and boundaries were clearly defined for me (until such an age where I could institute my own), and if I chose to break those boundaries, there was punishment. I must have learned early on that my parents were consistent in enforcing the boundaries because I don't remember being spanked after the age of six.

Once we knew that the boundaries were going to be enforced, we could decide what we wanted to do: respect them or suffer the consequences.

My cousins had a similar set up in their house, and again, one of the children was more eager to stay within the boundaries than the other. The other one, though spanked, still chose to misbehave. Giving him "time-outs" (although we then referred to it as "having to sit in the corner") were far more effective a punishment.

I had to do that a few times, but I like being alone, so it didn't feel like a punishment to me.

I do think the boundaries my parents set up for us were fair. At the time I wanted more freedom, of course, and there were times where I felt my parents were a bit slow in expanding the boundaries.

My mother figured out early on that her two children were wired differently. I was much more an explorer than my brother and far less fearful, and that was often the reason I went beyond the boundaries they set. Once she realized that, she, and to a lesser extent, my father tried to channel that desire to explore in ways that were safer for me (or from my perspective, ones that didn't make them worry as much!).

Sorry, I'm veering off the original topic, but I don't always think spanking is wrong. I don't always think it's right, either. In my family, it was regarded as punishment for something you did wrong, and something you knew clearly you did wrong. I think that was key. It wasn't as if we were spanked willy-nilly or as some of my classmates, truly beaten. :0( There was never any ambiguity about why we were spanked. I also never remember my parents spanking me in anger. I never asked them if it upset them to have to mete out the punishment, and don't have the chance to ask them now, since they're no longer on the planet.

I feel that spanking is so often wrongly characterized, such as in the this article. This could be because it is not usually practiced properly.

A child should not be struck out of anger ("laziness, thoughtlessness or cowardess"). A spanking is something that is done when a parent is calm and has an expected consequence to direct disobedience. It is not done to punish a child for being childish (such as for spilling his milk at dinner). A spanking is done when a child disobeys a direct direction as an act rebellion. Such a scenario might be, "Do not play in the street." And the child does because he thinks it's a better place to kick his ball. That is disobedience and would merit a spanking in our home (if such a thing were to happen). But, the parent would not be angry, out of control, or behaving cowardly.

The parent says, "I told you not to play in the street. You disobeyed. Daddy/Mommy loves you too much to let you behave that way." The child gets the consequence and then reassurance of the parents love after the spanking is finished.

A spanking is never used as a threat, an outlet for anger or in the place of properly and clearly set bounderies. It is used in specific cases where it is the most effective and especially for a strong-willed child with whom reasoning does not work as effectively.

I feel it would be overstepping parental authority and rights to outlaw spanking. Do we need to invite the State into our living rooms to regulate personal styles of parenting that do not harm children? And how would such a law be enforced? There are simply too many variables.

D

I didn't get "spanked" as a child, I got the snot knocked out of me! As an adult I thanked my parents for making me tough. Otherwise, I would have ended up being one of those women who hide in the corner and cry when things get out of hand. And, I didn't come out of it with any emotional scars!

I have 3 kids of my own now, and they get spanked, when it's necessary. Just as many of the others have said, it isn't out of anger. It is a definate consequence. For example one of my children is behaving improperly, I give him a choice: "Are you going to stop that, or are you getting a spanking?" He therein decides which will work out better for him, stopping, or receiving the spanking.

And it isn't always necessary with every child, but sometimes it is the only way to get some children to cooperate.

The main thing to keep in mind is that spanking, and abuse are 2 very different things! And that time outs and removal of toys and fun, don't always work with every child.

When did you stop spanking your children as a form of discipline? I genuinely would like to know why you stopped spanking if you thought it was such an effective method of teaching a lesson. I am assuming you did not spank your teenagers or adult children when they did something against your wishes. Why not? Presumably many teenagers and some adult children still need to be set straight by their parents, so why not turn them over your knee and give them a good spank?

I suspect I won't get any replies to my queries.

Talia

Early in the twentieth century, a psychologist named B.F. Skinner developed a theory of learning which came to be known as Behaviourism. Skinner found that by providing certain types of rewards or consequences, he could train rats and pigeons to do what he wanted. He called these rewards “Positive Reinforcement” and consequences “Negative Reinforcement”.

The concept of positive reinforcement is very easy to understand. When a desired behaviour is performed, it is rewarded. The purpose is to encourage repetition of the desired behaviour. In the case of the rats and pigeons, the reward was food.

The concept of negative reinforcement, on the other hand, is often misunderstood. It is often explained as inflicting punishment when an undesired behaviour is performed in order to discourage repetition of the behaviour. This is incorrect. The true definition of negative reinforcement is to fail to provide an expected positive reinforcer when an undesired behaviour is performed, or to remove an existing positive reinforcer. In the case of Skinner and his experiments, he negatively reinforced undesired behaviour by withholding the food that the animals expected.

To help make things clearer, we can think of this in terms of mathematical symbols. The positive (+) symbol in math indicates that something is added. The negative (-) symbol indicates that something is taken away.

Thus, by using rewards and consequences that did not involve physical means, Skinner was able to teach his rats and his pigeons certain lessons.

I think to say that we need to use physical forms of punishment in order to teach our children lessons is to seriously underestimate their intelligence. To claim that we can’t shape our children’s behaviour unless we use physical means is to suggest that their cognitive functioning is below that of rats and pigeons.

I will disagree with the individual who posted that alternatives such as time out, taking toys away, etc. don’t work for every child. I believe alternatives to spanking and hitting do work for every child, but parents need to find and apply the right one. The fact is that it takes more time and effort to think of and use an alternative to hitting than to just spank a child, and many parents don’t take that time and make that effort.

In response to the individual who suggested it was silly to imagine that striking an adult child would be beneficial, I would say the same thing about striking small children. If hitting a child is a good and effective teaching method, it should be allowed anywhere and anyone should be allowed to teach in this way. Daycare providers should be able to give a smack to one of their wards should misbehaviour occur, and teachers should be allowed to spank their students as a way of teaching lessons – especially the littlest ones in preschool, as the reasoning I have read here appears to be that children around that particular age just can’t understand alternatives to spanking. I doubt, however, that most parents would be excited if they were told that legislation had been introduced which allowed daycare providers and teachers to hit their children as a means of teaching them lessons.

In my opinion there is no excuse to use hitting or spanking to “teach” a child something. In this day and age there are many resources for parents to learn how to deal with their child’s undesirable behaviour in non-violent ways. There are parenting courses and workshops available, as well as books and resources online.

I find it unfortunate, to say the least, that if an adult strikes another adult this is called assault, but if an adult strikes a child it is called discipline. While children are much smaller than us and don’t know as much about the world as we do, they are still human beings and should be treated as such.

Margaret Chuong-Kim

It is so sad that so much of the US is so mislead and closeminded when it come to this topic. I am happy to report that me and my family are breaking the vicious cycle and raising out children with gentle non punitive non violent dicipline. It's hard and the most challanging thing I will probably ever do and I am always learning new tools. I wanted to add here there we are christians and have come to the realization that those biblical "commands" to spank that folks like to use to validate their spanking are under the old testement law and we as christian are under the new testement or the testement of GRACE now and so no longer are we to dicipline our children in that old manner. If we look at how Jesus interacted with children and even with adults we see that he taught them with stories, parables, and by his own example. We are to show our children the characture of God and he show us grace not punishment.

I was spanked as a child, and as a child and adult I never took to hitting whenever I became angry. I never chose a violent relationship, and when I was in that type of situation I immediately told my mate that behavior would not be tolerated and if he did it again I would leave permanently; he never did it again.

I did not begin disciplining my son with spanking. But when he was 3 and looked at me and said “Let me guess, I am grounded from TV, going anywhere, and from my toys for the weekend, and I can go to my room now, fine”, and goes to his room, I stepped up to spanking. This was after many months of behavior problems, and constant calls from his daycare. My son did not care how much was taken away from him. He could be grounded for over 8 months solid, without caring. As a parent I was at the end of my rope trying to get him to get a grip on what he was doing.

He is still a struggle, and he is 14 now. So far he does not seem to have a reaction to any discipline, whether it be taking things away, or spanking. And I am religious to the disciplining. If I say 1 week it is 1 week. As I have mentioned, he has been grounded for over 8 months at a time without me giving in. But he does not care. He wants to do what he wants to do not matter what the consequence is. He has missed trips to see family members, he has missed going on special outings, and he did not care.

With my son nothing works.

I am glad you posted this article Dr. Kim! I am in agreement with those of us who have seen the negatives of spanking or any other kind of corporal punishment on children.

I was witness to my mother's repeated physical abuse of my sister that was classified by her as "discipline" at the time. I was also subject to repeated yelling & screaming often only inches from my face. I recently saw a Supernanny episode addressing the intimidation of an adult getting in a child's face to "motivate" them. She said very succinctly, "You are being a bully" & insisted he take a different approach to his children. As a result his children did behave much better & they were handfuls to say the least before.

I have witnessed also another mother I met in this city I moved to who used both intimidation & minor amounts of light spanking to discipline her children. She was recently called into a parent-teacher conference to discuss her son's lack of progress socially in school & his repeated temper tantrums & his violent acting out.. sometimes towards the other children at his school. His teacher was very very concerned. However, this mother only told me of this to complain & couldn't see how her behavior was perhaps a little over the top & only due to her taking her stress out on her young children (they are 7 & 3 respectively). I went to lunch one time with her & that was the last because everyone in the restaurant was staring at her & her repeatedly putting down her children, belittling them, & at times whacking them on the legs. I tried to suggest she take a stress-management course & stop this & she told me I didn't have children so I didn't know anything & I should shut up. Once she started to attempt to abuse me verbally I knew I should back off & I was very sad that I was witness to such behavior. Her son actually looked up at me that day & asked "Can I go home with you instead?" Very sad.

While I believe that discipline is necessary & very real & that sometimes one may have to carry the kids into a room or whatnot as I've seen on Supernanny I have seen no good come of spanking any child.

Any kind of intimidation, disrespect, or abuse where one is spanking out of anger is unquestionably wrong & should be banned as some countries have done. It is insane to think we can raise children properly & to behave respectfully towards others if we do not treat them with the proper respect while they are still young. I believe the reason we should ban spanking is because most of the adults who use spanking to discipline are being abusive & hitting out of anger. They are not disciplining at that point but they are taking out their feelings in a forceful way on another human being. That is the reason I believe hitting is banned. As we cannot assault another human being as adults ... why should we be allowed to merely because they are our children?

I note that I was respectful & reasonable with that mother's eldest son & never did he attempt to hit me once or hurt me. He just wanted some attention & even though I admit I am not the best with children I have found talking to them as I would an adult sometimes actually works very well with them as I suppose they are merely little adults.

Just my two cents.

This is always a hot topic! And so many of you are correct to say that our children are smarter than animals and should be treated better. I agree! My children are so much smarter than a dog that tradtional negative reinforcement doesn't work. They recognize that I am trying to manipulate the situation. Bottom line is that once the government is involved and spanking is 'banned' then anyone can claim you are abusing your child. If your neighbor calls the CPS on you, you are now permanently in the 'system' regardless of the facts and can loose your children! I would not wish that on anyone! And do not agree that the government should be given that control. Once you give it to them you can't get it back. Everyone who has posted obviously has their childrens best interest in mind and has thoughtfully considered their options. We are not talking about parents like us, we are talking about mentally/verbally/physically abusive parents. To lump every form of spanking into that catergory is inconsiderate of the parents who actually do care and are trying their best with the knowledge they have. There are many 'tools' in the child rearing belt and if a parent chooses to use spanking then we have to respect their decision to do so. One thing I do want to add is staking. I don't believe isolation should ever be used. We are training our children and they do understand much more than any animal, isolation is like going to jail and that is the last thing I want to reinforce. When you grow a tomato plant you stake it up as it grows, if it is left to grow on the ground it will not produce good fruit. As with your children stake them to you. Don't send them away to a room, you are missing valuable time to teach and train them. When I stake my children to me they have to be with me and if possible participate in what I am doing (dishes, cooking, etc.). This as a consequence gives me the opportunity to teach what they did wrong and how to correct it in the future. Ultimately they end wanting to spend that time with you anyhow and what a wonderful relationship you will develop.

Parents who claim that having the right conversation before and after striking a child or that striking a child in the right frame of mind is OK remind me of domestic violence disputes in the days of yore in which the perpetrator claims it's a "family matter." They are fully convinced that their violence is defensible.

We have since matured in our views and now the law says otherwise.

Striking any other human being in public or private is considered a prosecutable crime. Why are children, the most vulnerable of us all, exempt from this protection in our country?

I raised my 2 boys in the '60-'70's. There was little material available to parents in those days (or I didn't know how to find it.) I knew instinctively it was wrong for me to hit another person, particularly a small child, and I did not spank my children. But, not knowing other resources besides time-out and talking, family meetings, etc., I did use anger and yelling (not "in your face" however) as intimitation and a vent for my frustration. I feel this can be as bad or sometimes worse than physically hitting a child once or twice with teaching. For all parents, I advise: read books, take classes, learn how to control your own emotions and expectations and then teach your children the same. "Positive Discipline" is a great place to start. PS My boys are beautiful people with beautiful families now. But I do see the effects of that emotional upbringing! I especially see the effects of both physical and emotional (mental)abuse in my two daughters-in-law who came from much more abusive situations.
Dawn